April 2017

The Venus retrograde is kicking my ass. I’m trying my best to stay focused on the positive and keep my energy and vibrations high with lots of colorful foods and exercise. I’ve had 2 arguments with my boyfriend of 5 yrs. We have had such intense debates since 2012 or sooner. Then I recall the retrograde. I feel like my emotional needs are abundant and its hard to balance out. Sometimes I wake up irritated and don’t know why.  Every small mistake I make feels like a tragedy. Two more weeks to go.  

Disappointment

For many years I have been disappointed and sometimes to the point of anger or sadness. Unfortunately I suppressed and repressed this feeling/emotion for far too long. Today I can say that I am disappointed. I can also say some of my experiences with others have deeply grieved me. In accepting this disappointment and grief I know I do not have to hold on the feelings. No longer are the emotions bottled up within my gut shaking my foundation, sanity and stability like it has for over a decade.

I am disappointed that those folks that I loved and felt deep friendship with were not able to reciprocate. Not only were they not able to reciprocate but they jumped ship leaving a wound of abandonment. I am also disappointed in family members that were emotionally unavailable or uncaring. I do not place any blame on them, but I used to blame. For whatever reason the blame could not provide what I needed although I did not have unrealistic expectations. On the other hand, maybe I did have super high expectations. Knowing the truth is not the point, right? When you love someone it is unconditional. Sometimes I find myself trying to make sense of the painful disappointment and make excuses for the friends that have come and gone.

After a long while I have come to recognize I am only responsible for myself. I am totally allowed to feel the emotions I experience and there is no such thing as a WRONG feeling. What I feel is real and I accept it. Now that I have accepted my feelings, I can process them. It reminds of me that experience in Earth Science course. If you ever had the class you will know what I am talking about. Imagine when you look over minerals, measure them, assess the hardness, color, etc.? Every single mineral has a purpose whether you enjoy the luster or not. Each mineral has its unique properties regardless of your expectations. Emotions are those minerals. They are unique, genuine, real and necessary. Might as well get familiar because the act of burying the emotions will only create earth shattering problems like an earthquake or volcanic eruption.

Disappointment I accept you! You are not lesser or greater than the joy or peace I experience. You are equally important and necessary. You have a place here. Now that I have learned to accept you I know I can make it THROUGH the disappointment I feel and acknowledge there has been a problem or concern that needs to be addressed and hopefully resolved with closure.  I also accept that closure is not always an option with the object of disappointment but I can process the unique texture, hardness, lustre, shiny (or lack thereof) to accept and create my own closure.

Cheers to you disappointment. I am not afraid. I will not hide you!

People Ruin Beautiful Things

This is such an unfortunate truth. It is also the story of my life especially my social media experience.  I like telling people around me about my positive experiences but it is rarely received with joy. This is a contributing factor to my desire to stick with WordPress only. The negativity, pessimism and “bad juju” from others has gotten to be excessive. I am at my limit. I used to be an open book. Now I am choosing be silent. I will keep my joy and loving experiences between me and my loved ones. If I absolutely must share I will share with you! 

<3<3 ❤

Happy New Year 

In this new year,  I wish you all peace, harmony and unconditional love. May 2017 be a year of relaxation, setting limits and bountiful growth. When the stressors come you’ll be able to perceive the challenges, observe and accept each challenge as a growth opportunity. While perceiving the challenges and lessons of life remember to breathe. With each step take a deep cleansing breath and embrace change. Inhale positivity, exhale negativity. Consider evaluating your friendships, workplace and associates closely, if these people/situations are not adding to who you are then eliminate them from your orbit. You deserve the best things this life has to offer. All of these things are free of charge, stress and burden. Now my friends, you don’t have to go out and get it.  Everything you need is already within simply acknowledge and accept it. 

Peaceful 2017 to you. 

“I wish you heaven”, -Prince Rogers Nelson 

Anxious or Angry?

The last week has been interesting.  Today especially has been filled with heart palpitations.  No worries folks. A heart condition has been ruled out long ago. It’s my anxiety. Whenever I have palpitations it is an indicator. The experience indicates lack of self care, lack of meditation and/or suppressed & repressed emotions. More than likely it is all of these especially the latter.  I’ve known myself long enough to know what has the most intense repercussions.

Let’s say my problem is repressed emotions…”negative” emotions. I use quotes because no emotion is truly negatuve/ bad. Unfortunately,  I have the dysfunction of not knowing how to identify and label my intense emotions more often than not. Yup you read me. After 20 years of steady expert indoctrination I’ve lost touch with these God given emotions because “the joy of the Lord is my strength”and “God hasn’t given me a spirit of fear”. Oh! Let’s not forget you should never “let the sun go down on your wrath”. To sum this shit up, I am a master at repressing my true genuine emotions unconsciously. I’m also great at emotional  suppression. In other words, I bottle emotions intentionally as well. Yup, lovely ain’t it?

My logic says it is totally cool, normal and okay to feel a rage of emotions yet the innermost me is not buying into it. The innermost me has been well trained and the indoctrination has done well. Now is the slow process of acknowledging and healing.

Back to my original thought and problem. Here I have the heart palpitations like crazy today and I believe it is due to some work related feelings.  I had 2 different scenarios that admittedly pissed me off. I didn’t tell anyone…well I tried but that person just ignored my mention of it.  Needless to say the bottle labeled “unChristian-like feelings” received two automatic deposits like a recurring transaction to a savings account.

Now that I can pinpoint a couple of situations here are my emotions that got bottled for a dangerous unpleasant fermentation:

  • Frustrated
  • Pissed
  • Annoyed
  • Disrespected
  • Ignored
  • Manipulated
  • Agitated
  • Irritated
  • Angry
  • Disregarded
  • Bitter
  • Objectified

There we have it. I believe this captures the low mood last week. You guys don’t deserve to be bottled or canned like fruit. I owe it to myself to express your existence within me. Now what’s a good way to be pissed off? 

Good Morning Tuesday

It seems like I am at the end of this awful bronchitis affliction! I’m so glad the end is here. Now I can get back to my routine and improve other areas of my life and health. 

The most tragic part of the sickness was my inability to do any “real” exercise. My energy was super low and I coughed every 5 minutes. There was no way I was going to try to hit the gym in that condition. On the other hand, it would have slowly down the healing process. 

The second tragic part of it all, my poor appetite. I was hardly ever hungry. Lord knows I needed every nutrient possible to recover. I resorted to eating snack foods and other junk that was more palatable than salad and quinoa. Force fed myself for over a week.  Today is my first day of true hunger pangs in about 10 days. Time to make better choices now that I am no longer desperate to eat. Let’s do it! Oh, and bring on the zumba too 🙂

It’s great to feel healthy and be well. 

Show ya Snow

Good evening everyone,

Today marks the first official snow in Detroit that will pave the road to Christmas 2016. Let it snow. I have to admit I do not like snow one bit but I think it is due to overexposure. Chicago winters are also a beast…I remember vividly. If I did not have to drive in the snow I probably would like it more.

Enough of the snow talk. I miss you blog! It has been a long time since my last entry. I’m sorry. My life got turned upside down multiple times, shaken and stirred with no cherry on top. I lost my way. The place where I worked previously became too much for me to bear. It was not easy for me to admit that it was slowly making me more and more physically ill and killing me. Being a supervisor of over 30 plus people was a blessing and a curse. I loved leading, teach and problem solve. Some time after the 6 month mark the job turned into something else. I found myself trying to be a superhero. Trying to be a savior and hero is not cut out for me but I did not want to admit it. Not to mention it is humanly impossible because of my lack of mutant genetic material for at least one superhuman capability. That is right folks. I am no Ororo Monroe (Storm) nor do I have access to Vibranium to create a mighty weapon and shield.

In my case I was using my energy, will, emotions, and intelligence to protect “my people”. I was relentless and unwavering! I knew I was trying to do the impossible but I could not shut it off. Grrrr! Perhaps I was overcompensating for the times in my life when I wanted someone to protect or stand up for me. Yup! More than likely that is one of the reasons but there must be more. There is always more. I have yet to figure this out entirely but I knew it was time to go.  My physical health and mental health became compromised. I barely knew myself and I couldn’t remember simple shit like paying my own bills or drawing on my eye brows!  I was nutty and edgy…BURNOUT!

Now that I am out and free I barely know what to do what myself now that I am in recovery. This is the hardest stage I imagine…this is the beginning of my rehabilitation. My current job has minimal stress and I do not know what to do with myself. During my free time I find myself in trying to occupy myself with mindless activities like Android gaming. Smh. You don’t quit your intense job to play candy crush, dots and final fantasy on your phone… or dooooo you?